Credit guru Thea Dudley has spent more than 30 years in LBM credit management. Now she’s here to answer your credit and collection questions. Got a question for her mailbag? Contact Thea at theadudley@charter.net
Dear Thea,
I just read your article about life in a male-dominated industry. My experience in the industry was very much like yours, except I am on the sales side. I felt like I could have written many parts of it. Thank you for giving our experiences a voice.
Signed, One Building Material Woman to Another
Dear One,
Thank you for reaching out. Your email was very similar to one of many I received as a result of that article. The responses came to my email, LinkedIn, in person, work email, anyway they could be delivered. It was amazing, euphoric, and heartbreaking how many of us have had the same experience. Some gave up, some fought harder, some were younger women looking for mentorship, guidance, or advice. Some were women just like us who were virtually fist bumping each other with a mutual appreciation of “we made it” and sharing their stories: the good, the frustrating, the unfair, the triumphant. I could almost hear the old Elton John song “I’m Still Standing” playing in my head as I read each email.
It wasn’t only women who responded; men reached out as well. They shared stories of women in their careers who changed the shape of that company, the thinking, and, consequently, how those men viewed the company landscape and women in the industry.
One thing that resonated in each email was the search for connection. Whether you call it mentorship, leadership, coaching, or bonding, it all came down to connecting with others who had similar experiences.
It got me thinking, if my older, wiser, today self could go back in time and talk to my younger, less experienced self, what would I say to her? What advice or words of wisdom would I impart to young Thea? What advice would I give my own daughter? So here goes, the words of wisdom to my younger self (that I still use today):
- Your past is not a mistake. It is a learning opportunity. If I had to be judged by some of my past mistakes, I would never leave my house. You will make mistakes and, hopefully, learn from them. Get over it; chances are you are the only one who will remember your mistakes. In one of my early seminar sessions, I fell off the stage and “mooned” half the audience. I hope most of them have retired by now.
- Who you are is the result of your decisions, not your environment.
- It doesn’t matter if you are successful if you whole team is not successful. Share that spotlight; there is room for everyone.
- Don’t try to be one of the guys. Woman are still unique in many environments. Don’t try so hard to blend in. Demonstrate what unique skills and knowledge you bring; in many cases it is because you are a woman. I had a boss who asked me to be part of the interview process for branch managers. I responded that I didn’t know anything about hiring a branch manager, but did it anyway. Later when we were all comparing notes, my viewpoints were from a completely different perspective then the other interviewers (all men). That was my boss’s point. I brought a perspective to the table no one else did.
- Prioritize your personal life the same way you do your professional one. Blocking out time for date night with your spouse or for your kids’ events matters as much as board meetings and conferences.
- Open your mouth! Too often, women wait to be asked and second guess themselves; consequently, they aren’t heard. I made the mistake of thinking because someone was older or a different gender they knew more then me about product, numbers, or business in general. Turned out that many times, I knew as much or more about the situation.
- What have you done for others? Are you helping others succeed? Who are you bringing along with you and whose ideas have you supported even if you didn’t agree? You can’t expect support if you don’t give it.
- Address conflict. I have been called aggressive, overbearing, disrespectful, and some other names I choose not to mention. I don’t court conflict but I don’t run from it either; it doesn’t get easier if you avoid it.
- Practice mental strength. Women tend to be more emotional. The more objective you can be, the more credibility you will have. Before I left a company I had been with for a long time, I asked the president if I could tell my teams before it became public knowledge. He asked me if I could. I looked at him a little perplexed and said, “Yes, why?” He responded, “Every time you talk about telling them, you look like you’re going to cry and having a hard time with the words.” Yep, he was right. I absolutely cried, but not for the reasons he might have thought. Those tears were from love, respect, and admiration for a team of people I had the privilege of being a part of – and I would miss them! It is OK to cry, just make sure it is for the right reasons, and that you can live with those reasons.
- Ask for help early and often. It doesn’t mean you are weak or incapable. Be smart enough to know what you don’t know and acknowledge those who you can learn from.
- Have courage to be yourself. Get comfortable with your emotions, feelings, perspectives, hormones, everything that makes us, “us.” I am way more sensitive then most people think and I have the sense of humor of a 15- year-old boy. It just took some time to figure out how to balance it.
Would my younger self listen? Probably not. She was a bit too proud, stubborn, and, to be honest, scared. That is the great thing about life in this industry: it kicks you in the lady balls a few times and you either start to pay attention or you end up leaving it. A wise man (no, not a typo) once said to me “Thea, you are either growing or dying. Choose to bloom.” This industry, or, more correctly, the people in it, taught me, and many of you as well, it seems, to trust myself more; look for the value of what others, regardless of gender, can teach me; expect more from myself and others; and be introspective on how I approach things and how I could make an impact. Basically, to grow.
I recently had the privilege of attending a women’s leadership conference. It was an amazing experience. I got a chance to listen to other women’s stories, how they started in the industry, their past struggles, and present challenges, frustrations, and successes. Those bonds are priceless and exposed me to a whole new group of women to learn from, coach, be coached by, laugh with, and continue to grow with. As a dear friend, coach, and mentor pointed out, “As a woman in this industry, you are not a victim or lucky, you are choosing to be here. You are participating in your growth and making intelligent choices about the path you want to be on.”
One theme that came up repeatedly was how to handle “certain situations.” Stupid comes in both genders. We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. By having a strong belief in our value and self-worth and defining those boundaries in every relationship, it teaches others how to treat us.
The value in the conference wasn’t in pointing out the differences in men and women or bashing men, but a learning opportunity. It was teaching those who come behind you and celebrating those who blazed the trail for you. To celebrate and embrace the differences and continue the journey, to grow and learn. To say, “Be the kind of woman that makes other girls step up their game.”
The journey is different for every woman and there is no magic bean that makes your success (however you define it) happen. As I sat around the fire pit with the other retreators, I found myself staring at tattoo on a compadre’s calf. It read: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, be kind always.” That struck me (OK, it brought tears to my eyes and does every time I read it). Isn’t that what all those emails and conversations were about? Everyone’s, male or female, inner battles to contribute, be accepted, and be valued are a gentle reminder to keep it in perspective.